My very own Hidden Guns for Everybody permit!
From "Coexisting with Madmen - a Difinitive Guide"
Author's note: "Coexisting with Madmen, a Definitive Guide" is a new R. Cameron Bryce book that will be released later this year.
There was a certain giddiness in the air -- a Christmas-morning excitement that could hardly be contained. I popped another Xanax, my third that day.
Standing on line waiting to apply for and receive my very own Hidden Guns for Everybody permit, I couldn't help but notice that everyone in front of and in back of me was talkative and cheery, flushed with a kind airy lightheadedness — a certain joie de vivre that was contagious. The line was huge, reminding me of the time I queued up for three days to get the latest gold iPhone (gees, I slept in the street for two nights to get that phone . . . ).
My very own Hidden Guns for Everybody permit! Even as those words roll off my lips, I have to pinch myself. Me, Dennis Chester Onklie, will have a Hidden Guns for Everybody permit. And this isn't just any ole Hidden Guns for Everybody. Nope. This is a federal version that allows me to carry my two brothers, Smith and Wesson, wherever I like in America. Come-on world, mess with me now!
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The upside of the proposed new Hidden Guns for Everybody law (sometimes euphemistically referred to as Conceal Carry) is that everyone can feel included in this. I suspect that at least part of Mr. Onklie's euphoria was based on feeling included. No longer are the mentally ill or drug addicts in our society excluded. No siree bob. This one is for everyone. So often, individuals and groups feel excluded from really neat stuff that legislation does, like, for example, exempting rich people from having to pay their fair share of taxes. Since I'm not in that club, I can't say how good that feels. Only that I feel left out.
An amazing panacea, a Hidden Guns for Everybody law will create jobs, inspire new fashion, and cull the population. Gun manufacturing and sales will skyrocket, motivating corporations to hire more people. On second thought, they might just hire a few good people for not very much money and automate the rest of their operation with the new wave of artificial intelligence (AI), automation, and robotics. This is the technology that employers, frothing at the mouth to offload their troublesome human help, can't wait to get their hands on and, coincidentally, AI, automation, and robotics companies are so excited about mainstreaming — the perfect storm!
The Hidden Guns for Everybody law might be just in time. There may not be much on offer in the job market of the very near future, but not to worry. Brand new economic opportunities will present themselves, you can be sure of it — just like you can be sure that it will snow in Waikiki.
So, with everyone unemployed and with weapons in their pockets and purses, one compelling income opportunity comes immediately to mind: aerial drone footage of whole neighborhoods dressed in full-on camouflage and Kevlar, staking out flank positions on their neighbor's house. Just think of the visual possibilities. Definitely footage that will fetch a pretty penny in Europe and the rest of the civilized world where they mistakenly thought that gun control was necessary for maintaining order in society. Silly them. The entertainment value will be priceless! YouTube videos like these will attract stunned audiences from around the world, by the millions.
Kevlar, especially, will be all the rage. New, lightweight Kevlar fashions, like Kevlar-infused shirts, pants, shoes, and socks, skirts and blouses, braziers and sexy undergarments. If you want to create your own Kevlar fashions at home, you'll need to buy a special Kevlar piercing sewing machine -- there's your cue, time to buy stock in sewing machine companies. Repairing those bullet holes will get easier as the new DIY Repair Your Own Bullet Hole kits come available. These kits include color coordinated plugs for 22 caliber, 38 Caliber, and 45 caliber bullet holes along with an assortment of special tools for making the repair. Think of the pride you'll feel when you can tell your friends, 'I fixed my own bullet hole!' DIY Kevlar projects, like little doggie jackets for Fido, and kitty mittens for Tiger will make wonderful holiday gifts.
Another benefit that's not hard to imagine is the sudden new trend towards congeniality. Communication among people with guns in their pockets becomes a very polite exchange. 'Politically Correct' will take on a whole new meaning in this era. You think communication is mushy and meaningless now? Wait.
The downside to this whole thing, if there is one, is that Tennessee will feel a little cheated when they realize that other states are stepping up to the plate and choosing way cooler weapons than an anti-aircraft gun for their official state weapon.
People carry guns because they are afraid of other people. Fear is the underlying motivator for all insanity. We desperately need to appear to ourselves to be civilized, but since we all know that we really aren't, our world views tend to bless instinctual solutions — killing someone appears to be so much easier than having to deal with the terrible dailiness of coexisting with another crazy person.
To be completely honest, Hidden Guns for Everybody is the wave of the future. There is a real need to liberalize Hidden Guns for Everybody laws so that every lunatic in the country can settle real/imagined differences with his/her very own Glock 9mm. And when not in use, the weapon of choice can find a comfy home in its very own designer undergarment holster. How cool is this!
